Pastors: Are You Investing in Your Spouse's Development?

As a pastor, a primary responsibility that I have is to develop those whom I lead (Eph 4:11-16). There's a number of ways that I have done this: training classes, personal discipleship, serving together, delegating, accountability groups, small groups, reading & discussing books, recommending books/articles/etc., preaching, emails, taking them to conferences, and even funding education/training opportunities. In fact, I'm bringing in a 2-Day coaching workshop next week as an equipping opportunities for the leaders at Grace.

If you're in ministry, and also develop those you lead, let me ask a more personal question: are you investing in the development of your spouse? Maybe you'd answer, "But that's not my responsibility!" Here's my take on the matter: if you're married, and you're a man, God has called you to be the spiritual leader of your home (whether you're in ministry or not!), which means that not only are you called to set an example through your own pursuit of growth and intimacy with Christ, but you are also called to shepherd your family toward growth and intimacy with Christ.

If you're a woman serving in ministry, and are married, God hasn't called you to be the spiritual leader in your home, he's called your husband to that role. If he's not taking on that role, it's a tough thing, and you still need to set an example of godliness for him (1 Pet 3:1-2), and to lead your children spiritually.

I bring this up because I've seen a number of pastors who are gifted and fruitful in ministry, but their wives aren't on board with their calling in life and may even resent it. Could part of the reason be that while you pursued your training and launched into ministry, your spouse got left behind? And as you read articles, books, go to conferences, and pursue more education, your spouse isn't being encouraged to grow and develop in her ministry?

I know that there are many ministry spouses who are being equipped and growing, so I'm not making a blanket statement about every one. And I also know that in many ministry situations, your spouse doesn't have the same gifting and call to leadership that you do, and they can be wounded by well-meaning congregants who put unrealistic expectations on them.

Early in my ministry, I had the blessing of serving together with my wife on Campus Crusade staff. She went to the training conferences that I went to, participated in the weekly staff meeting, led small groups, discipled, and evangelized. And I admit that there were times where in my insecurity, I felt intimidated by her. Brenda has taken initiative to grow in her spiritual life and her ministry skills. She pursued her masters degree in the evenings while the kids were younger, and now that they're teens & older, she's stepped up her education. That required me to get on board with the idea, to agree to her absence for classes, and to spend some of our family income on providing her education.

I've received blessings multiple times over as a result! Brenda is truly a partner in ministry, and in ways is ahead of me in her ministry skills. For the past five years, we've been able to serve together on the staff of our church, and I love working on a ministry team with her!

Here's the bottom line: take time to discuss with your spouse about their heart for ministry, their development path and desires, and then do whatever it takes to get her (or him) there. We invest in our key leaders, who are important to the health and future of our ministry. Think about it, and you'll agree that there is no person in your life more important than your spouse (and if you can't agree, call me & we'll arrange for some marriage counseling =) )!

Emotional health

We just finished our fall series, "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality." I preached the last sermon, which focused on being forgiven and forgiving others. You can watch it at: http://www.gracechico.org/resources/sermons.

One of the exercises for this series was to participate in a "Daily Office" two times a day. A daily office is a short devotional time where you pause before the Lord and refocus on him through the Word and prayer. We used a book called the "Daily Office" for these devotionals, and one of them jumped out at me and needs to be shared. The Scripture reading was the story of the Prodigal Son, found in Luke 15. Here's the devotional commentary that is so good:

"Jesus' description of the father in the famous parable of the prodigal son gives us a glimpse of what it looks like for us to be emotionally mature adults.
The church is full of younger sons who wander from the love of God every time he does not meet their expectations. It is also full of elder brothers who are angry, bitter and grumpy. I know them both well. I relate to both.
Yet people are desperately looking for fathers and mothers in the faith who are able to embrace, love, empathize, be present and forgive freely. It is a love without conditions, something of which the world knows little. To become this kind of person does not come naturally..." ("Daily Office", Peter Scazzero, p119)

This commentary brought fresh eyes to the story of the prodigal son and to those around me. May I be a spiritual father who extends grace to those who are immature on their journey.

And by the way, I heard a story from one of my small group leaders this morning - one of the men in his group practiced the Daily Office three times per day for the past two months, plus began practicing a sabbath day each week. He said he's never felt better, having more peace and less anger, now that he's taking the time to refocus his heart and draw near to Jesus multiple times each day. Praise God!

Victory and Depression

I'm fascinated, maybe perplexed by Elijah's emotional swing from victory on Mt. Carmel to depression in the desert. What caused him to get to the place where he would ask God to take his life (1 Kings 19:4)?

He seemed to have a vibrant relationship with God, and his ministry was powerful. God spoke with him, giving him messages to deliver and assignments to carry out. God even provided his nutritional needs during the drought by sending food by raven delivery (1 Kings 17:6)! God enabled him to do miracles as well: multiplying flour and oil for the widow, raising her son from the dead, calling down fire from heaven to defeat the prophets of Baal... then he had the strength to run the 17 miles to Jezreel and get there before Ahab who was riding in a chariot.

But when Jezebel threatened to kill him, "he was afraid... and ran for his life" (1 Kings 19:3). He went a day's journey into the wilderness, sat under a tree, and asked God to take his life. Was he depressed? Was he exhausted? Probably yes, and yes. Maybe he also felt like the mission God sent him on was complete and he had no more purpose to drive him on.

I've found that after a season of fruitful and intense ministry, I can feel a weariness and let-down. Much like the experience of going on a great retreat that brings you to a place of a spiritual high, then you return to the "real world" and in comparison, it's depressing. And I've never had the president's wife put a hit out on me either! I've also found that when I get weary physically and emotionally, I'm more vulnerable to temptation, negative attitudes and selfishness.

Elijah's focus shifted from God and the mighty things he was doing through Elijah. He focused instead on the human threat and it scared him.
"The fear of man will prove to be a snare" (Prov 29:25).

God didn't get mad at Elijah though (at least the text doesn't say that he did!); instead, he sent an angel to provide food, water, and rest. Soon thereafter, God revealed himself to Elijah at Mount Horeb, giving him new direction and a new mission to fulfill.

The lesson? Prepare yourself in the emotionally healthy times for the times of letdown and weariness. Remind yourself to keep focusing on the Lord, even when circumstances around you are spinning out of control. And remember to take time for rest, renewal, and drawing near to the Lord.